Poor Me

While I fully acknowledge that I really have no right to feel bad about my life in any way given the way that many others, including people quite close to me, are suffering, right at this moment, I just need to whine for a minute. So feel free not to read on. I just need to get this out.

1. I really really need a haircut. My hair is a frizzy awful mess and I can't remember the last time I cut it but it has been more than a year. I can't afford to get a haircut right now however and I don't know when I am going to be able to.

2. I really need a new pair of glasses. The old pair, purchased at Wal-Mart a few years ago, are all scratched, and were purchased for 50 bucks by having the optician look at my old scratched broken lenses to figure out my prescription. I see blurry sometimes because of all the scratches. This sucks. Can't afford to get new ones though.

3. I haven't had time to do laundry this week so I had to use the mostly broken washing machine in the basement which leaves my clothes soaking wet and doesn't really rinse them. There's no dryer. I'm hoping they don't get too mildewy.

4. Mostly I am whining because I am broke. Broke, broke, broke, broke, broke fucking broke. Again. I'm 33. I have nothing to show for it. Or I should say I have a few trappings like a laptop, a wonderful kitty, a bitchin' Honda Civic with no power anything but damn it runs good, but these were obtained, let's be honest here, with help. Did you know that I saved seventeen thousand dollars from my contracting job at the consulting firm and it is gone now because I had to use it all for living expenses? Fuck me. Of course the flipside of this is that I was capable, in ONE YEAR, of saving that much dough. I'm no crazy spender. At the same time I go to Whole Foods every week because they have good coffee but also their edamame is cheaper than at the Basket.

5. Oh and none of my pants fit well and most of them are stained and ripped as are a lot of my tops. I need new clothes but of course I cannot afford these either.

Sigggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Listen, I fully realize how much more my life could be in the shitter than it currently is. I am making progress, going to the career counselor, meditating, taking care of myself (trying not to puke at what an entitled spoiled fucking brat that last sentence makes me sound like...) but I just...I guess I wish I felt more reassured that I wasn't going to end up a childless 35 year old in a dead-end job living with housemates trying to scrape by. Honestly I'm really afraid of ending up poor and alone. Like my parents will die and my brother will be off with his family and good life and home and my sister will be doing her vet thing and I'll just be same old fucking McPolack, forever treading water and not getting anywhere.

Damnit.

Thanks for listening!