It's getting harder and harder to come up with decent titles

I'm just sayin'.

Anyhoo I am feeling rather full of feelings these days. Sadness, anger, anxiety, worry. I think it's probably time I went back into therapy. In other McPolack news, I took my third crazy-ass movement class today. It's 90 minutes of things like moves the KGB uses to prepare themselves for jumping out of the trunks of cars and shooting people, and exercises Tibetans use to promote immortality. It's a nice balance: I am prepared either for the shooting or, if I am the shootee, survival.

Everyone else who takes the class is a dancer, it seems, although there is one flabby older dude who sometimes takes off his shirt, and one slightly flabby lady in her 40s who paired up with me in partner exercises today. This made me happy because I did not want to press myself against a shirtless man's gut nor did I want to crush one of the tiny women with my gigantic Polishness.

One key discovery I made whilst doing the partner exercises is just how far I've gone into self-reliance. We were supposed to tuck our head into the side of our partner (or so I thought), who was on hands and knees, and then flip ourselves up into a handstand and over them into a backbend. (It's kind of hard to explain.) I was thinking are you f'ing kidding me and was feeling very out of shape until the teacher came over and explained I was supposed to lean most of my weight into the other person.

I don't lean even an eyelash into others these days, physically, metaphorically or otherwise, without feeling guilty and/or bad. All I can think about is how I can I stop needing anything from anybody. So the idea of letting a total stranger support very nearly all of me just didn't occur to me, and I kept failing at the exercise until I realized that allowing myself to be almost completely supported was the only way to do it right.