Sunday, August 07, 2011

WTF, Heloise? (for Jane)

I come across some interesting books in thrift stores. Such as a book of "hints for working women" first published in 1966, though I have the 1970 edition. Which would be the year McMumsy and PolackPappy were married. And of course McM was, and is, a working woman.

Let's take a trip back in time to see what Heloise had to offer my momma:

"The greatest thing to stuff throw pillows with is plastic bags from your cleaners. Just wad them up as you would paper. So fluffy and easy to care for. Great for making extra bed pillows for that unexpected company. (Free, too.) (Great for making sure unexpected company never shows up unexpectedly again. Or at all.)

...since perfume is mostly alcohol, try pouring some rubbing alcohol into the empty bottle and shaking it up. It mixes like a charm. This can be used for massages and is especially wonderful for the bedridden. Yes, perfume-tinged rubbing alcohol massages are especially wonderful for the bedridden. Because they can't escape the crazy person coming at them with a half-empty bottle of Jean Nate.

Heloise also recommends adding food coloring to all sorts of things. Pink canned salmon with a bit of red food coloring tricks your guests into thinking you've splurged on the more expensive red canned salmon. To stop sweet hubby's pissing and moaning about spaghetti again, why not add some yellow food coloring to make it look like pricey egg noodles? Or you could just urinate on it, which IMHO is cheaper and much more satisfying.

In the book's defense, it did come out just as feminism was gathering steam. Men really hadn't gotten the memo yet that equality doesn't just mean women doing the work of men. It also means men doing the work of women.

And Heloise offers many a helpful tip alongside the terrible ones. Like cleaning your vinyl purse with lighter fluid. Just make sure to put out your smoky treats first, gals!


Blogger Jane said...

Love it! Thank you! Now all I need is a Heloise Hints for Dating book. Surely there's a way to tie food coloring into that..

5:41 PM, August 08, 2011

Anonymous Anonymous said...

too funny! in a scary kind of way.

2:34 PM, August 10, 2011


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