Tuesday, September 27, 2005

And now is the time on McPolack when we feel guilty

My Babcia (that's Polish for grandma) is in the hospital. Apparently it's not something serious enough to warrant a call to me, although IMHO, when you're 89 and you've got a heart condition, and the reason you're in the hospital is because of your heart, well, call the grandkids, g-damn it, especially the one who lived with her for two and a half years.

Anyhoo, a visiting nurse noticed Babcia's heart was racing and called for an ambulance. She'll be in the hospital overnight and have tests in the morning. It's either a valve problem, which can only be fixed by a surgery she doesn't want, or a muscle problem, which can be fixed with meds.

My mother is with her right now. My dad told me not to be concerned -- he doesn't think it's her time; not yet. He tends to have a feel for these things.

But I do worry about her being all alone in the hospital. I'm afraid of the hospital myself. I really hate it. If I were in the hospital, I would want someone there all night with me. I wouldn't want to wake up alone in the morning. But this is my Dad's job -- it's his mom -- and still part of me thinks, I should go there, I don't do enough for Babcia.

And even though I do more for Babcia than either of my siblings (and for a time, did more for her than my mother), I haven't been good about calling her. I call/see her once a month, when really I should be calling her once a week. She loves it when I call. It makes her so happy. So why don't I do it more? I mean, I'm unemployed, for chrissakes. I've got lots of time.

And lots of excuses: Concord is far away with gas being expensive and I hate driving in nasty traffic and I do have copyediting to do and I do need to find work and etc etc etc.

I think what I'm coming to realize is that I'm more selfish than I thought. Or maybe this is the big Catholic guilt speaking? Ugh, I don't know. I wish that I did. Is it the burden of the darling X-generation to just whine about shit rather than actually act?



Anonymous bitter joe said...

quit beating yourself up. sometimes you got to look out for numero uno... who else is going to, right?

3:29 PM, September 28, 2005

Blogger Amy said...

Sending get-better vibes to your grandma!

And everyone feels like they just don't do enough for their grandparents/parents/siblings/nieces/nephews. It's a crummy part of the human condition, I think. For me, it's a completely familiar and really crappy feeling. I think the only thing to do is to make a date...every Sunday, whenever. Otherwise, life gets in the way. I'm still struggling with it, as my niece and newphew grow older every day (no more grandparents, sadly).

5:15 PM, September 28, 2005

Blogger McPolack said...

Thanks, guys.

8:52 PM, September 28, 2005


Post a Comment

<< Home