And now is the time on McPolack when we feel guilty

My Babcia (that's Polish for grandma) is in the hospital. Apparently it's not something serious enough to warrant a call to me, although IMHO, when you're 89 and you've got a heart condition, and the reason you're in the hospital is because of your heart, well, call the grandkids, g-damn it, especially the one who lived with her for two and a half years.

Anyhoo, a visiting nurse noticed Babcia's heart was racing and called for an ambulance. She'll be in the hospital overnight and have tests in the morning. It's either a valve problem, which can only be fixed by a surgery she doesn't want, or a muscle problem, which can be fixed with meds.

My mother is with her right now. My dad told me not to be concerned -- he doesn't think it's her time; not yet. He tends to have a feel for these things.

But I do worry about her being all alone in the hospital. I'm afraid of the hospital myself. I really hate it. If I were in the hospital, I would want someone there all night with me. I wouldn't want to wake up alone in the morning. But this is my Dad's job -- it's his mom -- and still part of me thinks, I should go there, I don't do enough for Babcia.

And even though I do more for Babcia than either of my siblings (and for a time, did more for her than my mother), I haven't been good about calling her. I call/see her once a month, when really I should be calling her once a week. She loves it when I call. It makes her so happy. So why don't I do it more? I mean, I'm unemployed, for chrissakes. I've got lots of time.

And lots of excuses: Concord is far away with gas being expensive and I hate driving in nasty traffic and I do have copyediting to do and I do need to find work and etc etc etc.

I think what I'm coming to realize is that I'm more selfish than I thought. Or maybe this is the big Catholic guilt speaking? Ugh, I don't know. I wish that I did. Is it the burden of the darling X-generation to just whine about shit rather than actually act?