Cranky.
Ugh. I have the McNasties today. Got up a wee bit late because I babysat last night and called in to find that they don't have any work for me. At least not anything until it is too late in the day for me as I have a prior afternoon commitment which would be yoga. As I am typing this, I realize how fucking retarded it is to have chosen yoga, which costs money, over work, which makes money, and yet there are other things I need to get done as well.
I'm coming to yet another crossroads. I just got off the phone with McMumsy, where she said that I should seriously consider whether going to school to get an MFA in creative writing is going to help me at all career-wise, and that maybe I should just become a receptionist because I could find a job where I did other things along with being a receptionist.
And now I offer my prelimary apologies to anyone who has chosen to be a receptionist for their career because of what I what I said to McMumsy: I am not going to waste my talent on being a receptionist. I'm just not. I'm sorry, but I'm really very, very smart. What came out of my convo with my mother was "I could have gone to Smith!" (I went to a small, perfectly fine libarts college in VT but also got into Hampshire) and that I felt like I was wasting my talent.
The thing is, though, I have, while not zero drive or discipline, I probably fall at around a 23 on a scale of 1 to 100. I just can't make myself do lots of things. OK, yes, I can make myself quit drinking and bingeing and purging and smoking but as we all know those just cover up what your real problems are. Am I just getting to the root of my real problems now?
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I don't know. Maybe I need to get some new, less intelligent and less talented and less successful friends because I keep looking at all they are doing and thinking, hey, I have the potential to do that, too, and a whole lot more, if only I could get up off my big white Polish and Irish ass.
posted by McPolack at 11:11 AM
5 Comments:
I have the same problem with action. I have loads of good ideas for my life, and I'm way smart and great with people. Even though I'm pretty good at underestimating myself, I believe I would succeed at anything I put my mind to. So why don't I put my mind to it? When I ponder this question, I just end up eating/smoking/getting high, whatever my vice of the moment is. (Now I'm just down to overeating. Sigh.) Anything to avoid doing it. Fuck if I know why...would love for it to change and I know I am the only person who can make it so.
No advice, just commiserating. xo
12:57 PM, August 15, 2006
I'm with sir loins I have to say...you are already incredibly talented and creative so you do not need more debt (school) to tell you so. I think if you are going to be a good writer then you just are one already - no amount of schooling will fix that. You can, however, take writing classes that are not credited and cost a few hundred bucks so you can at least have a reason to write - because you have to! I took a continuing ed. class at UNH and it was nice to be forced to sit down and write something every week for the class.
As for the receptionist...I don't think this is an either/or kind of thing...it's not "EITHER go to school OR become a receptionist" No such thing.
You'll find your way...you really will!
There is one pro I can add about going back to school though....more boys to prey upon!
7:13 PM, August 15, 2006
I'm with ctale on this and also with you - I keep looking at friends and wondering why it is that they're doing what they're doing and I'm not, key word being wondering but not doing.
5:38 AM, August 16, 2006
What works for your friends may not be the best thing for you. I've watched a lot of people work themselves into a miserable wreck in pursuit of an expensive, chic lifestyle. I left a higher paying job a few years ago to pursue a lower-stress work environment. Now I may not have as much disposable income as some of my friends any more, but I am much happier and more sociable than I was back in the high-stress higher-paying job. Simplify your needs and if your life is cluttered, clear it out. This can enable you to be more focused & motivated. Don't base your happiness on keeping up with your friends... base it on doing what makes you feel fulfilled :) If they are real friends they won't mentally place you in a different socioeconomic category, instead they will be happy for you in the knowledge that you are at peace. Good luck to you and thank you for your kind comments on my blog. :)
10:27 AM, August 16, 2006
If you're going back to school, why not learn some new skills you dont have yet? An MBA, for example, would get you swell (if boring) jobs that would make you more money so you could save up so you could take a year off to write.
11:19 AM, August 16, 2006
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