I've got one hand in my pocket

I've been doing the sort of work lately that lets me listen, albeit with just one ear, to podcasts. Today I discovered the Savage Love podcast. It's pretty filthy but quite informative and episode 59 made me wish that, like Mr. T in your Pocket (but at the same time utterly unlike it), there existed a Dan Savage in your Pocket. Handed out to girls from the ages of 18 to 30, Dan Savage in your pocket would do what the flesh and bone Dan Savage did for the caller in Episode 59. Which is to say point out loudly and in no uncertain terms what a fucking douchebag your manipulative loser boyfriend is.

I wouldn't say we've all had fucking manipulative loser douchebag boyfriends, but I've had one and I know a couple of other women who have had them and to be honest I don't know that it's the greatest thing in the world for women to learn lessons about themselves via spending their quality time with a jerk.

Here's how the Dan Savage in your pocket would work: If the woman suspects her boyfriend sucks, she speaks into the handheld device and some sort of software program would then detect by the cadence, tone, and inflection in her voice -- along with the use of words like "but I love him" -- and would then play the appropriate response. Which would be something along the lines of "dump the asshole immediately and move on, sexy mammajamma."

I'm off to apply for a patent...