Wednesday, May 25, 2011


While walking back to my car on Friday I spied a squirrel in a pine tree. He was eating...something. A pregnant pause later it dawned on me that Mr. Rat-with-a-fluffy-tail was holding the body of a lifeless birdie, its beaked head stuck in his mouth. The squirrel then flipped the bird corpse around with his front paws while doing some sort of nibbling action, but not drawing blood. It was almost like he was eating fleas off it.

He was also looking over at me occasionally. It felt like I caught a dirty old man masturbating in a library. Some version of "ew ick nasty" escaped my mouth and the squirrel moved a bit higher with his dinner in the tree. When I got home I did some internet research and it turns out that yes, this is a thing squirrels do.

As it was the day before the predicted apocalypse I briefly wondered if it was a sign of the Beast. Or perhaps it was the opposite, and the sparrow was being raptured.

When I woke up on Sunday and the world was still here, I saw an albino squirrel I saw racing up the trunk of a different pine tree. The next day, I saw a Norway rat on someone's front lawn while I was walking to the gym. He had a very soft and beautiful-looking coat.

I was a little worried when I saw he hadn't moved on my way back from the gym but when I walked by a third time on my way home from work he was gone, and I was relieved. Because otherwise I would have been compelled to perform a McPolack mercy killing, and I just was not in the mood.


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