Antisocial yet social

While I have trouble finding boyfriends, I have absolutely no trouble whatsoever finding friends. "Everyone wants to be your friend, McPolack" is what I am told by my friend H-bomb every time I mention that I have met someone new. I was actually not able to get much work done today due to visits by several pals. First I chatted with my officemate about our childhoods. Then intern S came in for a visit and asked if it was okay for her to wear jeans to the hiking trip I planned for 5 of my coworkers this coming Saturday. Then I got a call from one of the girls in the art department wanting to know where I'd been since I hadn't been to visit all week. I went to visit and I got a present -- some yummy snackage, and also a set of wee highlighters in a little plastic zippy bag. Then I chatted with dog-owning-video-department swell-dresser pal, then with Alison and her roommate. Then the britboy stopped by to say hi. Then intern S returned. She wanted me to go along with her and her cousin, a coworker and friend of mine, to a barbecue where I could perhaps meet even more new people. I am very very likable on the friend level. I get this from my pop, I think -- I have a gregarious, easy energy, and I am a good listener.

And I want to be there for people and to meet new people and I am REALLY grateful to know so many people and be liked by so many people. At the same time that I am making all of these new friends there is a part of me that just wants to be home, and alone, and in my own space. I didn't go to the barbecue tonight, ostensibly so I could vacuum, and clean the litterbox and bathroom since people will be traipsing through on Saturday. But really it meant the evening was somehow out of control -- I don't know what's going to happen on the evening out at the barbecue, versus knowing exactly what is going to happen if I stay home and eat ravioli and steamed vegetables and watch a DVD and clean my bathroom.

What it is a leftover from shit that happened in my past -- I had issues with food, big ones, and issues with booze as well. Oh, and panic disorder. All those issues ultimately boil down to being uncomfortable with not being in control. (well, ultimately I think all troubles boil down into fear versus love, but the control thing is certainly there on the way to fully boiled down. there's some brain chemistry stuff in there too.) I am in some ways still uncomfortable with not being in control to the level at which it affects my daily life. It doesn't affect me nearly as much as it used to, but it's still there. Which makes me wonder how rid of the issue I can ever ultimately be.

But then on another level is this great quote from Jung, via May Sarton's Journal of a Solitude:

"The serious problems in life are never fully solved. If ever they should appear to be so it is a sure sign that something has been lost. The meaning and purpose of a problem seem to lie not in its solution but in our working at it incessantly. This alone perserves us from stultification and petrefaction."

I don't know how wholeheartedly I agree with the This alone...petrefaction part of it but the rest is rather interesting.

When you're hiking the point is the journey up and down NOT the top, but the top is part of the journey.

And etc.
Okay, enough philosophizing.