Assfirmations Update: Asstacular?

So it has been 8 days since I started smoothing firming lotion on the backs of my (mildly) cottage-cheesy thighs and fine Polish buttcheeks. I am, according to the back of the bottle, supposed to be experiencing, after week 1, "younger-looking skin."

Would that I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror looking at my ass when I was younger. If only I had known I would need a frame of reference! Instead, I have to rely on popular notion of how a young-looking ass is supposed to appear: like Jessica Simpson's in that retarded Dukes of Hazzard video.

My ass does not look like Jessica Simpson's. At least not yet. But the back of the bottle does not promise firmness until week 2! Perhaps it is firmness combined with younger-looking skin that will give me a J.S. heinie.

Check back next week for an update. In the meantime, I shall continue to, um, enjoy getting to know my flab more intimately.