Assfirmations

I had a coupon and so I bought Dove Intensive Firming Lotion a few weeks back.

Now in the interest of Science! I am going to test it out.

I rubbed it in a circular motion this morning onto the parts of me that are flabulous. This would be the area directly beneath my fine fine asscheeks. I can hold several pencils beneath each cheek now. If you add the number of pencils I can also hold beneath my bosoms, I could probably supply an entire roomful of standardized test takers.

The product promises "Testing proves: After 1 week, skin feels significantly smoother and appears more youthful. After 2 weeks, skin is noticeably firmer."

Well, we'll see about that, won't we? It's going to be two long weeks of standing naked on my tippy-toes craning my head to get a glimpse of the backs of my flabby thighs to see if this shit works.