Free to Be You and Me

I like free stuff. Always have. Now that I have no money to shop, I like it even more. Sometimes when I’m blue, more often when I am avoiding doing actual work, I troll the internet, looking for free things to send away for. I’ll send for things I really don’t need, like a deluxe Metamucil sample of wafers, pills, and powder, all for a person whose lower GI tract purrs like a kitten.

I like to up the enjoyment factor by having those samples sent to my address under assumed names. I’ll use Turd Ferguson, an old chestnut that makes me laugh every time I think of it. I also like to tailor my aliases, using, say, Harry Balzac for a Nair sample or, for the Swiffer sample I received today, Dusty Springfield.