Sobering

Even as I feel ever grateful to have survived my alcoholism in the face of tragedies like the ones that have befallen my cousin Russell and numerous other relatives before him, I read articles like this one and think, there but for the grace of God go I. I was talking at a dinner party recently about my own experience with health insurance, or lack thereof - well, pretty much lack thereof, although I am past due now on getting a plan as a Massachusetts resident -- and I realized I don't know if I could see the movie Sicko, because it just might give me a panic attack.

I found a lump on my arm several years ago; on the off chance that it might be something terrible I racked up several thousand dollars worth of fees having it both X-rayed MRIed. Dr. Moo offered to do a needle biopsy of it and I think next time I'd seriously consider it. She'd offered to find a vet's office to X-ray my leg at a while back when I was worried about stress fractures in my shins. I skipped my last cleaning because I didn't have the money to pay the dentist and I have bad dreams about my teeth falling out. And now thanks to the NY Times, I'm a smidge freaked out about the occasional blood I see in my own stool. No pun intended, but it's a crapshoot in health care these days. If I had a lot of money or great health insurance -- OK, or any health insurance -- I would maybe get a colonoscopy. I know I'm overdue or very nearly for my yearly checkup, which I get and pay for out of pocket because I want to live a long and healthy life.

I don't know. I'm not really looking for sympathy here -- where I am and where we all are is I suppose ultimately due to some combination of our own choices, circumstance, and fate -- and I say suppose because I'm still working all that out -- and when I meditate I consistently get very strong messages to trust that I'm on the right path. But actually explaining this to people who don't look at the world from the same place that I do is hard, especially considering I, a writer, don't have words for some of the things I've experienced. I guess I just want to find the right balance. And I want people to all have access to the same quality of healthcare, regardless of their life situation.