Born Into This

So I've been spending a fair amount of time trying to figure out just what it is about my parents' view of my writing career versus my own view of it and I think I've figured out what it is that's bothering me so much.

My Mom and Dad are a little bit depressing.

In an attempt to cheer me up the other day as I was bemoaning the fact that I had a frighteningly low amount of money and no prospects for making any, my mother said, "Well, look at Emily Dickinson. She never even left her house but she still wrote a lot of great stuff."

Okay, Emily Dickinson? I mean, at least she didn't cite Sylvia Plath or Anne Sexton, but come on. I absolutely do not get inspired by being told that if a brunette agoraphobic weirdo can write, why can't I?

And Polackpappy wasn't much better. I was left after our good long talk about finances and life in general thinking--fuck. I need to get ready to accept toiling away in shitty-ass jobs and never making any money and suffering because of the life I've chosen. Then he recommended that I watch a documentary about another author--"He worked in the post office for 15 years because it gave him time to write. He even quit and then wrote a letter asking to be let back."

The movie was about Bukowski. It was interesting; Bukowski's life was quite fascinating. And also filled with violence and booze and horrible, horrible, needless pain.

I don't want that. I feel like I need to buy a pair of sequined red shoes and click my heels together however many times it takes to make that not be my future. I understand my parents are trying to prepare me for reality. And the reality is that if it weren't for them I would quite possibly be destitute. But when I think about years of slaving at low wage jobs and accepting less I want to curl up in the fetal position under my bed with all the dust bunnies and dead bugs and cry.

I see the world through rose-colored glasses. I do this to the point where it's sometimes detrimental. But I have to believe that good things are going to come to me. I have to reach for the light. Because I've spent waaaaaaaaaay too much time in the dark.