McPolack's Late Summer Avoidy Dance Deadline Pesto
2 big bunches basil (from scary-ass overly excited loud tattoed man at farmer's market, who chides you for picking a bunch yourself and then offers you a second for only 50 cents more)
several glorps of olive oil
six cloves of garlic
grated parmesan cheese (grate it yourself; initially enough so that you are sweating from exertion, because it's g-d 90 degrees out in late September; then to taste)
juice of one lemon
1/2-pound size expensive accidentally squished heirloom tomato
fairly large funny-looking free honeycrisp apple
6 ounces pine nuts, toasted
Directions:
1. First, go to farmer's market after spending many excruciating hours forcing self carefully through frustrating copyediting project, all the while nursing secret worry that writing project also due this week isn't getting enough attention and will expose you for the hack writer and terrible slovenly worker that you are.
2. Thank apple man for telling you not to buy that funny-looking honeycrisp apple then giving you the funny-looking apple for free.
3. Buy one expensive heirloom tomato for eating later this week.
4. Buy one head cauliflower, one small melon, two shallots, and three purple onions.
5. After some debate, buy basil from scary man.
6. Buy coffee from hipster coffee shop. Feel ac cooling the sweat that has been literally dripping off you.
7. Go home, check e-mail, worry. Notice that cauliflower has beat crap out of tomato when you weren't looking.
8. Wash basil leaves. Pick through them while watching the last five minutes of General Hospital.
9. Throw basil leaves into five-dollar yard-sale Cuisinart. Hold palm of hand over top of chute because chute cover did not come with Cuisinart.
10. Add toasted pine nuts, basil, oil, and cheese. Discover you can cover chute-hole with Glad Press 'n Seal. Feel good about self. Mix. Season to taste.
11. Dump ice cubes out of ice cube trays, grab handful and rub on back of neck and front. Consider rubbing on armpits but decide not to.
12. Scoop pesto into ice cube trays to freeze for later, reserving some for dinner.
13. Do dishes.
14. Eat pummeled expensive heirloom tomato sliced with salt and pepper, followed by funny-looking apple. Drink coffee. Blog. Worry some more.
15. Go back to work.
posted by McPolack at 4:34 PM
4 Comments:
I am completely confused ... what's an heirloom tomato, a honeycrisp apple and a Cuisinart. MY homemade pesto consists of garlic, basil, olive oil, parmesan and pinenuts and there sure ain't any left over for freezing because I spoon it out of the pestle and mortar and stink of garlic for the next week.
2:48 PM, September 27, 2007
Cuisinart is a brand of food processer - like a blender but for solids as well as liquids.
Heirloom tomatoes are tomatoes grown from old seeds -- like ones your great-great-grandma might have grown -- so brandywine, linguica, black plum.
honeycrisp is a big, extra-crispy sweet variety of apple. Very tasty. It's a cross between a Macoun and a Honeygold (which is itself a cross between a Golden Delicious and a Haralson.)
It's quite tasty.
Like me, a cross between an Irish person and a Polack.
7:56 PM, September 27, 2007
Glorp?
11:11 AM, September 28, 2007
Thank you, I am enlightened.
1:19 PM, September 28, 2007
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