Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Urf

It's not one of my favorite things in the world some days to write on this here blog how I'm really feeling. For example, today, when I feel tired, fat, old, and down in the dumps. I got up early today, went to the gym, and then into the transcription office and I really hated being there. I'm pissed at myself for still working there, nearly two years later. It pays 11 fucking dollars an hour. Given inflation I'm actually making less than I was (and with less responsibility) than when I was a newly-sober gal in her early twenties.

But, for whatever reason, my life has been one of extremes. I've worked at some pretty impressive places and also at some very unimpressive ones, often one right after the other. I've been anorexically skinny and morbidly obese. I suppose the fact that now I seem to have evened out to a mostly healthy size bodes well for this job see-saw settling at some point.

But still. Some days it's hard to be grateful for where I am and how far I've come. Some days I get the visit from the black dog, the same one that used to visit Winston Churchill. I don't admit this for sympathy but more for therapy and so that maybe someone else who feels this way will read this and know that even though I feel that way at times, I also feel good, and it isn't the end of the world to be in these shitty moods. It just is. Much though I wish I didn't feel like this, ever, but the only way out of it is through it.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Thursday said...

I have the black dog too for pretty much all the same reasons - I feel fat, old and I don't even really have a job that pays shitty money, never mind one that pays anything like I was earning a decade ago and I cannot really work out why I'm baulking at going out there and getting a fucking job.

4:14 AM, March 26, 2008

 
Anonymous Susan D. said...

A few posts back you mentioned maybe you'd be happier somewhere with more trees. I think you may have been onto something - when you post about the time you spend up north (NH I think?) I can see it bringing happy things to the surface. I lived in Boston too - it was fun for awhile to live that urban city girl lifestyle - but expensive, impersonal, dirty, anxiety-producing, and loud. Not that I live very far away now, but where I am has lots of trees, grass, water, and blessed quietness, and all these things feed my soul. And I didn't even grow up with that. Maybe now would be a good time to sit down and think about what's holding you in Boston, what you would miss and not miss, what might be waiting for you elsewhere, and what would actually make you happy in your world. You deserve to be happy!

8:54 AM, March 26, 2008

 
Blogger McPolack said...

Thanks, guys, for your thoughtful and helpful comments!

: )

10:37 AM, March 26, 2008

 
Blogger Overmatter said...

Blech. I think the black dog comes with being a writer. But you are a writer. A good writer. On the plus side, when you are ready, there are lots of places that will pay you to write good. I mean well. But you can and do write well from anywhere, and you do seem happier near the trees and beasts.

4:25 PM, March 26, 2008

 
Blogger laura didyk said...

My version of the black dog is a bird, a kind of newly born terrestrial still-slimy-from-the-egg bird, squawky and scary... It doesn't come for me like it used to. I can see it far off in the distance, and sometimes a few slimy feathers float down, but mostly I stand my ground.

The bad days come and go. Feed the dog just enough...and then send it on it's way. That's what I say. But you're wise. You know this stuff.

I'm convinced that while the practical stuff is so vital to our well-being, that all my blocks to happiness are right here in my apartment, in my job, in my car, wherever this body be. I don't even think of it anymore like "I'm the problem," but that my problem is thinking there's something wrong with me (why can't I be making more money? why dont' I have a book published yet when so many of my grad school classmates have published upwards of three? Why, why why?).I terrorize myself with it at times.

What brings me relief is finding those little things that bring me joy, and really being there for them, and relishing them, and growing them bigger, and finding more of them, and expanding my world, etc. etc.

Each of our challenges is so different...

It's really hard to put time into finding new, better-paying work when you are trying to do the work you already have--not impossible, but very hard.

Oh, you should send me some writing samples.... there might be some freelance possibilities upcoming...send soon.

-L

8:37 PM, March 29, 2008

 

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