*&^%%$$&^

Oh, godddddddddddddddddddddd do I hate my downstairs neighbor. He never shovels the driveway or takes the trash to the curb (claims he has a bad back) yet overloads the trash bins and leaves random shit out there on a regular basis. He doesn't pick up all of his mail -- he sifts through what's in the common box and leaves all the junk pieces, that asshole. When he went away for two months this summer which, let me tell you, dear reader, was a treat as tasty as an ice cream cone on a hot summers' day, he did not bother to have his mail stopped and so I had to pile it by his door, every day.

He has never said thank you for this or for the many times I shoveled out the entire fucking driveway including his car and walkway. He's never thanked me for anything. He's married to this sweet, shy Turkish girl because I am sure no self-respecting stateside woman would have anything to do with him. He's a history prof and apparently spent some time with an Afghan war lord this summer. Well, yipty-freaking-do. You're still an asshole. Every time he sees me he says "Hi neighbor" and bobs his head back and forth in an irritating manner not unlike the UPS guy character from Mad TV. He says I'm welcome to come sit on his porch anytime and that I should stop by when he's having a barbecue. Um, no thanks, dinkus.

Ooooooooooooooo, does he ever piss me off.

But I will never tell him because that wouldn't be neighborly.