sighhhhhhhhhh

It's happened again.

I had a conversation maybe a week ago with someone from work who said that it was possible that my contract might not be renewed and that there would be no more work by the end of August but that really they would most likely have something for me to write that would take me through September and then maybe something in October and by then they would be sure to have some new deliverable. Then I got an email inviting me to some training that only permanent people were going to. And I was supposed to have a meeting on Friday with big boss ostensibly to talk about my future.

So I was feeling pretty good about the whole situation, feeling like I was going to get offered a permanent position.

And then in our team meeting this morning big boss tells everyone that this is my last team meeting and oh thanks for all your hard work, McPolack, and maybe we'll see you again soon. The team meeting is weekly which means I will be gone in one week. Um, what?

So I had to act all smiley and say oh hasn't it been great because I don't want to burn bridges, and it wasn't his job to tell him, it was someone else's job to, and I confronted her about this and she was very apologetic but what could she do, really? I mean, the job was tentative all along, but still they kept dangling this carrot of full time work in front of me, and the work was so intense it left little time for anything else. It's still intense. Until some yet unnamed date next week when it ceases to be.

I haven't had a decent full time job with benefits in almost three years now.

I know I am whining and I just don't care. I'm exhausted. Looking for work is soul-sucking and exhausting. I can't do it again. I just can't. So clearly the perfect job is going to present itself to me within the next month. Because I cannot spend my 32nd birthday alone and unemployed.