Half Baked

The reason I called the Babcia this week to ask for her cake preference is because I have been named official cake-baker for the party. I used a yellow cake recipe from this book. Now, the writers of this particular piece of cookbookery are known for their very scientific approach and everything I have made from it since receiving it from Santy Claus last year has been a smash hit.

I expect the same reaction to my cake. But I was so stressed out from making it that I was doing downward-facing dogs in my kitchen to loosen up my back and shoulders.

Let's just take a brief stroll through some of the incredibly anal-retentive directions, shall we?

Ingredients include:
4 large eggs at room temperature (grrr. me want make cake now!)

2 sticks unsalted butter softened but still cool (WTF is that? softened but still cool? sounds to me like "sort of pregnant") cut into 16 pieces

Instructions include:
Beat dry ingredients at low speed (you need a KitchenAid; I don't have one so I used a hand blender)

then add butter pieces one at a time while on low speed until 30 or 40 seconds after you've added last piece of butter.

Mixture is supposed to resemble peas. Mine resembled paste.

Add reserved egg/milk/vanilla mixture in a slow, steady stream for approximately 30 seconds while beating on medium-high

then scrape sides and bottom of bowl

then beat for 15 more seconds

then weigh the batter to make sure you have an even amount of it in each pan. (jesus christ! who weighs batter? damn my back hurts.)

then put them in the oven in this fancy configuration and halfway through use some tongs (I don't own tongs) to reverse this fancy configuration.

oh, and they recommend poking the top of the hot cake with a bare finger to make sure it's done.

I've got my own steps to add to the above:
1. Before opening cookbook, shake buttcheeks back and forth rapidly to loosen
2. Insert lump of coal into your ass
3. Remove it from your butt once cake is baked -- oh, look, all that squeezing has made you a diamond!

I'm making another one tomorrow night.